Tag Archive | Relationship

I am Not Ready to Forgive Oscar Pistorius

I can recall the first time I truly felt the spark and connection towards the treasure that soon became our heroic ‘blade-runner’; Oscar Pistorius. He ran like a beast. He made the race tracks seem like they were engineered solely for his fulfilment. He was the spectator’s inspiration. Our very own African dream.

Oscar without knowing, made watching the paralympics a proud moment for most if not all South Africans. I and many of my compatriots were very proud of him.

The 14 of February 2013 was a shock that due to twitter became a subject of comedy. I couldn’t believe it. Because Oscar could do no wrong even that murmur of him complaining about his blades, I couldn’t take that serious.

How could a harmless looking fellow be a woman killer? My head is struggling to make sense.

I didn’t know Reeva (I will never know her) or even heard of her before. There were pictures. She was beautiful and there was a sense of calmness visible through her face. Her pictures revealed a well thought-out, humble and loving soul. A woman more worthier than taking her last breath in a toilet cubicle.

The Oscar trial revealed quite disturbing news about our heroic blade-runner; a gun enthusiast, a bully and an anger fuelled man. This was a beast. A beast that out of God knows what, shot and killed a woman that ‘wish-fully’, had dreams to nurture and love him for the rest of his life.

The way I had felt about Oscar Pistorius the double amputee runner took a complete turn when I met Oscar Pistorius the culpable homicide convict. The passion was gone. The inspiration had disappeared and I could no longer look at him with adoration. I had been deceived, betrayed and convoluted. But most critically, I had overworked my imagination trying to make some sense of the situation in my head.

At some point, I thought Oscar would take time out of his then messy schedule and apologise. The same way he took time out to remember his twitter password to write inspirational words. But this time he would apologise to us, the people who never knew Reeva but loved and supported him; the people he unknowingly deceived and traumatised. But I hope he will see the need and clarify to us someday.

In my mind and heart, I can’t forgive Oscar Pistorius because besides the fact that he killed someone who had no means to escape the shots and then oddly screamed like a woman, his side of the story infuriates me more than it should put things into perspective. Secondly, Oscar is proving to be a lousy bugger that sees absolutely no business in ‘veritas’ and makes very little if any attempt at all to acknowledge his flaws.

Even though I pity him at this stage, I cannot picture Oscar running like he can, flying our South African flag high and passionately singing our South African national anthem in a certain paralympic game. My mind won’t allow it. And I’m ready to allow my mind to allow it.

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The Future Resides Within us and The Past Remains Historically Unchanged Behind Us.

 

The past is not the definite definition of who I am. Yes, it has formed part of who I choose to be today, BUT I am not bounded nor restricted by the moments it brought into my historical life.

You know, I had only read about such incidents in magazines and never thought of it as a factual circumstance that I could encounter. I went out on a date a few months ago. Everything was seemingly okay, could have been better. Maybe it’s the arrogance that resides in me, but I would assume that on a first date, all conversation endeavors would lead into knowing the person sitting opposite you a little bit better. Well at least that is what I know I would definitely prefer.

Mr I went on a date with was in all aspects not interested in the person opposite him. Other than attempting to know me and finding a way forward for the both of us. Mr here, in front of me was busy asking me about my ex of whom I had halted our effort in a relationship for almost two years. He kept asking about him and why we had broken up. This really irritated me for my ex was the past which was so not vital that I could abandon global news, the least and rather be fumbling about him on a first date with somebody who wanted to take part in something more precious, my future.

Clearly this gentleman was astounded by occurrences of the past. The way he profoundly yakked about his ex-girlfriend, selecting each word from the best adjectives of the Britannica online, this delicate dish of adjectives was served with hand gestured which would from time to time block the face. This was an interesting face, the kind that is given to toddlers; round chubby chicks, small glowing eyes and thin soft looking lips. That is however not so attractive for a grown up male, my opinion. Mr date was not an interesting male, looking at his pregnancy resembling belly would make you lose interest, that deems me an extremely patient lady.

Looking at him was confusing and interesting at the damn same time but listening to him, well that was just another story. He had a soft, low voice with minor soothing and yet squeaky elements; this is the kind of voice sometimes found in women. My date was so soaked in the past life he might as well have been a resurrected ancestor from the many long dead centuries. I mean even during the drive to the restaurant, he jabbered about the past. When we arrived at the restaurant, maybe it provoked and woken historical memories of him and his beloved ex-girlfriend because that is about the only thing I would hear him say in my resurrections from my own future worries that crowded my head.

If you are immensely absorbed in one’s past, you instill in me the idea to believe that you have not made necessary arrangements of moving forward without a share of that person’s part in you. In my not so scientific perspective, what matters the most is the person in front of you and the future ahead of you. What cannot be changed does not deserve the pleasure of putting to ruin what you can have. History is a part from which we require the ability to extract fundamentals and apply the knowledge in the present encounters. We live in the present; we do not have the luxury to dwell in the past – we must never forget such a fact.

 

We are created with the ability to adapt to change and the capability to move forward with change (we cannot sleep and wake up to yesterday nor travel back in time). Our thoughts possess such privilege, to travel back in time. Our past is carried by the un-resting programs in our heads. Whether we choose to replay these instances over and over is a choice we make. Our present and future lives should not succumb to the past self. We are liable to take notes of lessons and strategies from the past that have the ability to positively shape who and what we want to be.  I see no need of reminding people of what they use to be if it won’t be a reciprocal falls off chair kind of joke for everyone.

 

The past can be a daunting nightmare that creeps up to you even in your midday nap. If it consistently and severely crowds your present, that is a clear indication that you need to deal with it. Take my not so interesting date for instance; he was still emotionally attached to his adjectively acclaimed ex-girlfriend. However, he lacked the strength and courage to face the truth. Whether he was scared or ego tripping, I would never know. Live freely as an individual; if something overwhelms you, act upon it especially if its capability ranges so wide that it possesses the ability to ruin your present. We are not the past, we need to face the past and its truth and find a way to move on effortlessly with our present. We are only one thing, the future!

The Nature of Love

We, human beings are an amazing lot. Our creation is beyond the simplicity of the Bing Bang Theory. I truly believe that the roots of our existence are encompassed in the deepest book of secrets that is still yet not known to our scientists.

I think, due to the fact that we do not know everything about ourselves. We spend the entirety of our lives trying to make sense of who we really are through hypothesises, past and many other aspects of our lives that we think can help us make sense of our selves.

We shall only look into our selves here through the journey of trying to make sense of our feelings. A feeling is that encounter which one person experiences individually whilst the person on the other end can reciprocally experience it through a series of verbs and adjectives (my definition).

We have manifested feelings as part of our lives, we no longer encounter them but they have become our daily experience. We have drawn our attention so close to them for this is how we relate to one another as a people – through feelings.
Only after we have identified the feelings that exist between us, we are able to name the type of relationship that we choose to build with the other person of whom the feelings are experienced towards. Otherwise we choose to be strangers because the feeling is not strong enough.

In my definition, feelings are the exertion that draws us close to one another. Sometimes this force becomes so ardent that our whole body reacts to it. This incident is the most profound of all feelings, according to me. However, we have practised it in torment and because of fear we sometimes see the need to discount its presence – LOVE.

I have observed that as we grow, we are likely to try and understand love in comparison to pain and failed love relationships. This is not how we should go about love. Love should be shared from one human being to the next by extending the exertion as pure as it rose from within; limitless with only room for growth. The feeling of love has been torn by many vultures that the love we now exchange for one another comes badly scribbled in very tiny fonts of terms and conditions. The very same terms and conditions become our own vultures that we unknowingly and constantly feed whereas in return, they deprive us the capacity to experience love at its purest abundance.

The fact that we have met people, who have used the name of love to accomplish their deceitful deeds, is heartache. This aching should not be the reason of permitting the temporary feeling of fear into hindering love because love possesses the capability to rescue us from the agony of the past. Love knows no pain; therefore it does not have the ability to torment anybody. However, we humans dwell in pain because it becomes too difficult for us to let go of encounters that left us deeply scarred. For this reason, experiencing the fullness of love becomes an impossible task as we are forever trying to protect ourselves from the repetitions of the misfortunes of the past, even though we are in the future.

A brick that we trip and fall over when taking the journey to experience the fullness of love is that we have defined the word love to an extent that we miss the indigenous feeling of love, which is beyond word definition. We need to understand that love is something that was engrained in us. We cannot go around looking for it. It lives within us. To copiously experience it externally, we need to allow it to overflow from within and then to the outside world. This is why many will say you need to love yourself first in order to attract love.

Another fault that we fall short of is that we give the fullness exertion of love to a person whose feelings have not matured enough to give us back the same amount of love that we have unconsciously given to them. This results in nothing but complete anguish. The anguish is due as this person lacks the aptitude to share the feeling correspondingly towards you. We then choose to make this a burden by trying in our utmost efforts to persuade the person into understanding the feeling in the same way that we individually experience it. We forget that love needs to be conjoint for it to flow impeccably. Otherwise it yields the greatest of torments.

Love is a force that never dies. The disorder in our lives embeds it with darkness. We miss love and the delight it was created to bring in our lives because we are too busy trying to find meaning for everything. If you can, may you just please free yourself from the boundaries of the society’s definition of love. Let love do to you what it’s meant to do to you, nourish you. Nonetheless, even if you attempt to disregard it, bear in mind that love is a power that was preordained to never go unnoticed. The power of love has the forte to creep upon you when you least expect it, for the reason that it resides in the exact same places that we go for to seek refuge.