Tag Archive | Jacob Zuma

2014 Chronicles: The Year of Drama.

Twenty years of freedom, much has changed and much still remains black and white like the monochromes which are really big and quite annoying (to a certain large extent) if you ask me this year.

After our rallying, staring at the votes being tallied, recovering from the shock of Gareth Cliff’s departure on national radio and ushering Lindiwe Mazibuko into her MBA journey, it was only appropriate to focus on things that were sidelined last year: booty. It comes with no surprise that the bum was in the leading front especially considering that ‘twerk’ found its way into the Oxford dictionary.

Besides the butt though, side chicks were also a very popular subject on #blacktwitter. Most if not all girls were declared side chicks by their tweets or avatars. We went on talking or trying to pin point side dishes but never really had a chance to dissect the subject of side chicks or their  undeniable and not fully understood or ‘accepted’ role. So the subject is still somewhat hanging.

Boitumelo ‘Boity’ Thulo did not only trend for her booty but she sadly trended for having worn the exact same dress as Mama Rebecca Malope, a gospel artist whose probably 30+ years her senior at the South African music awards. Fashion critics say Boity needs a stylist because even her Channel O music awards dress looked like something my mom would have bought at ‘Sales House’ donkey years ago. But that was all none of my business like the very Kermit who took our social media platforms by a hardcore truth which remains none of his business till this day.

Another unbelievable chronicle was that of Linda Sibiya, one of the greatest indigenous language radio jocks of my time being fired from the biggest radio station in Africa – Ukhozi FM without explanation or a send off party. No one was ready for this, it was one of those ‘now you hear me, now you don’t’ moments that leave nothing but unanswered questions behind.  

And then there were some background concert organisers failing to bring Nicki Minaj to South Africa. I’m not sure what’s the story there but it was an epic fail nonetheless.

Onto more serious chronicles; the death of the ‘legendary’ Eddie Zondi. It was a great loss for South African radio especially those who knew him and those who thought they knew him through the wonderful technology that is radio waves. May his soul find everlasting peace. And we’re glad that no loose cannon emerged from twitter claiming to have been carrying his child like it happened to Trevor Noah.

Let’s not forget the biggest beef since the west-side and the east-side saga; the Cassper Nyovest and AKA rival, remembering that we don’t quite know how it really started but the gun blazing subtweets and punchlines are definitely noticeable and a game changer (or a dosage of annoyance).

Another drama this year was that of our girl Bonang B* Matheba and Poppy coconut Ntshongwana, ladies we know a smack down happened there and hairs were pulled we just wish someone had caught it on camera for our eyes to witness. However we’re so glad that y’all sealed that deal with a selfie. Y’all deserve a crown.

Speaking of crowns, Thuli Mandonsela did not only gain momentum in the social scenes but she became famous and a role model. She now has a few awards under her pile of investigations. Congratulations Thuli.

I hope for as long as we live, we won’t forgot Judge Thokozile Masipa who unexpectedly gave us a lesson on law. She failed dismally because we’re still in the dark about ‘dolus eventualis’ and why Oscar Pistorius is a culpable homicidis and not a murderer. Anyway, we know one thing; Reeva Steenkamp is dead because Oscar Pistorius shot her four times in a toilet cubicle. What a bustard!

Mbulaeni Mulaudzi. Rest in peace champion.

Oscar Pistorius unlike Shrien Dewani, finally going to jail where he rightfully belongs. The sad part is rumours of him getting ‘special’ treatment which somehow is not a surprise in this country of ours where money can speak louder than any words in most given scenarios.

EFF stirring the ship of havoc in parliament, I can’t really tell whether this was the beginning of change or the commencement of a joke that is now our parliament or perhaps validation that we’re indeed a banana republic. Either way I now totally get where Baleka Mbete’s phuza face stems from. The nearest shebeen would be anyone’s first stop after calling grown ass people who refuse to obey into order.

By the way, ‘Black Twitter News’ is still going strong if you’re interested on something new.

In all the adventures that Julius Malema is to embark on, I hope he doesn’t forget that Fikile Mbalula is ‘Mr Miyagi’ to him. Speaking of Mbalula, I hope he gets the social butterfly of the year award at the feather awards.

Anyway…

I don’t have the updates about the boycotting of woolworths which turned into the boycotting of pick ‘n pay, many South Africans, who are convoluted like me, don’t really understand the theory behind the two boycotts and aren’t even bothered about studying it either for they happily continue flooding the stores especially this time of the year.

Ebola, I’ve got no words for this culprit the same way I have no words for TB Joshua and his church of all nations.

The death of Senzo Meyiwa (may his soul rest in peace). That was sad and created an amphitheatre of speculations, finger pointing, tantrum throwing and tons of swearing. The cherry on top was as created by social media platformist’s #notsenzosdad and the #samfie. Social media platformists, especially #blacktwitterists and #blackfacebookers went buck wild.

#Bringbackbhekicele sources haven’t yet confirmed whether social platformists are bored of Piyega’s blank stares which are always accompanied by a residing hairline or they are just fed up with her inability to be proactive. Either way, its christmas on the 25th and each of you is liable to a gift which you are to purchase with your hard earned peanuts.

Steve Hofmeyr claiming that ‘blacks’ were the architects of apartheid. I really can’t say if he’s smoking something bad, needs to un-Steve himself, or its just his brain cells deteriorating. Anyway, that twar (which somehow landed in court) with our adopted #blacktwitter news anchor ‘Chester Missing’ was unnecessary Steve and will never un-Steve your boer racist ass.  

Gareth Cliff saying Senzo Meyiwa didn’t deserve a state funeral. We acknowledge and most importantly appreciate the practise of freedom of speech but not when we’re still in practice of our freedom to moan. Locate your chill Gareth please.

We usually throw tantrums, especially in January when we realise that we were not only generous with food but with the money to send kids back to school on that aunt who only comes to visit once in ten years as well. The ANCYL did us some marvel by throwing chairs, whether this was to determine the chairman or express dissatisfaction, its still not clear.

Kelly Khumalo, did some of y’all expect her to hibernate after Senzo Meyiwa’s death even though she has a sizzling single? You might not like her but ‘asinne’ is a dope track.

The come back of the secretly anticipated #GenerationsLegacy. What a confusing first episode, I guess its true what they say, anticipation is the bearer of the greatest disappointment. The second episode was much better so for that reason, we shall drink to hopefully more exciting episodes.

2014 chronicles are not chronicle enough if Eskom remains unmentioned. Let me just say this, Eskom you really, really suck but I kinda like the load shedding in shopping centres simple because it represents a good projection on my bank balance, until your projected 13% increase on electricity tariffs kicks in of course.

I hope Cassper Nyovest and Amanda Du Pont’s kiss seals the deal for much longer than the Mamphele Ramphele and Helen Zille kiss. Speaking of which, compatriots, where is Agang?

 

***For general enquiries sake, the above chronicles are in anything BUT chronological order of occurrence because when things happen in my country, there’s everything but chronological order.

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Swagga

This is a very popular word or let me just say a reinvented ‘phrase’ that has graced our South African youth’s lingo. The phrase’s roots and origins however, remain a series of convoluting tiny puzzle pieces that even Sir Newton would have neglected. For this reason, the phrase is widely misunderstood.

But what is swagga really? To understand this, we will need to first dissect this frog – swagg.

Swagg is shining dopeness, its cool redefined, exquisite freshness and all things pimpin’ in ya capacity. Catch ma drift?

And swagga is attitude, personality and swagg all stashed up in one fix.

You’re probably aint drippin’ swaggu if you think swagga is another one of ‘a youth gone astray’ type of movements. Swagga is a revolution, because it’s not televised, swagga is unclear.

Anyway such a very simple and sophisticated phenomenon does not need to be confusing.

Swagga is cool, it separates the imitator from the originator; it distinguishes pure genuineness from synthetic. It differentiates the winners from the epic losers. But most importantly, swagga sets apart a G from the wannabes.

But how do you know you’ve got some swagga up your sleeves?

I’ve compiled a list of 25 simplistic fundamentals to knowing whether you’re drippin’ swaggu or just errr plain you.

  • If you’re dating one of your girlfriend’s exes, you have zero swagga and need a hard-core blow across your face just for control.
  • When you leave your home without a pair of manners and a set of dignity, you are most definitely aren’t drippin’ of any swaggu that day.
  • If you’re rude to a waitron, you not only deserve more bad days added unto you but the universe has served you with a cold plate of goose egg swagga.
  • If you don’t know your HIV status, you’re not only freaked out about most inaccuracies but you’ve no swagga up your sleeves.
  • If you’re an African but cannot speak nor understand a single African indigenous language, you only have ignorance and zippo swagga.
  • If you have a big tummy but there is no baby growing inside it, you do not only need to love yourself some more but you also happen to have missed the swagga train.
  • If you think people who went to university are rich or they have it easy in life, you aint swaggerific.
  • If you make it a point to boo Jacob Zuma but did not register to vote, you’re playing a fruitless game and aint drippin’ swaggu.
  • If you think getting a lady’s cellphone number means she’s officially yours, most importantly; you do not have swagga but you also qualify as an idiot.
  • If you treat church as a fashion showcase, you do not only need Jesus but you also have nil swagga.
  • If you’re having unprotected sex but have not planned for a baby, you do not have swagga and you will get STI’s.
  • If you’re married but cannot keep your underwear for your partner only, you do not have swagga.
  • If you’re still asking for cigarette money, you’ve no swagga at all.
  • If you wear cheap cologne, you do not only induce sneezing but you’ve got not a pinch of swagga up your sleeves.
  • When you’re texting and driving it does not only mean you’re small minded but you also have no swagga.
  • If you wear see-through leggings and a crop top, you do not only look like a cheap hood-rat but you absolutely have zero swagga.
  • Teaching your kids swear words before they can even write their names, does not only mean you need a mental institution, but you’ve also got no swagga.
  • If you think when a woman says ‘no’, she means you can ‘carry-on-slowly’, you’re a definite zero swagga.
  • If you still believe that being in the show business doesn’t require much schooling, you will not only end up a broke artiste but you’ve also have no swagga.
  • Being stingy with information or past exam papers does not only mean you aren’t dripping of any swagga but this also reveals your masked idiocy.
  • When you’ve worked your way to the top, you’re not only an inspiration but you’ve got swagga too.
  • If you didn’t buy twitter followers, you most definitely have swagga.
  • If you’ve graduated with Cum Laude, you’ve not only worked hard, but you’re drippin’ of swaggu.
  • If you buy your own nail polish and lip gloss, you’ve got a 110% swagga game.
  • If you know all the words to your national anthem, than you’re unquestionably drippin’ swaggu.

Get your swagga basic game on before you facebook, instagram or tweet lies about drippin’ swaggu.

South Africa in 2013; Critical but Stable Conditions

‘Critical but stable’ this phrase was so overused at some point in this country in the year 2013, it’s a shame that it hasn’t been added to any new revised versions of famous South African phrases compilations.

For the sake of not letting the phrase go into waste, I have created my own critical but stable conditions that shook our country this year alone. Without any further blabbing let us get into these conditions:

>>>>Sheryl Cwele, I know I’m unlucky but that girl must have really displeased whichever god she kneels down to. I mean the not so poor girl was only trying to make a quick illegal buck on the side. Drug trafficking of a high profile municipal official and wife of the STATE SECURITY minister, drew eyes from all parts of South African persons – even backyard vendors who are sometimes drug dealers in their own right had some awe to express. Talk about a debatable high profile mess. Speaking of which, somebody should send her a fairly expensive bottle of whiskey – I know y’all comrade’s generosity with alcohol, especially this season.

>>>>On a more serious note, do you remember the Limpopo textbooks scandalous scenario? Whoa! At least Lady Angie is still standing or maybe sitting, whichever the case, she must be thanking the Gupta’s for taking the spot light away from her. We of course patiently await the matric results of the Limpopo province.

>>>>Speaking of the Gupta’s, by the way those Indians can really stir disruption. Their plane created one massive critical and sadly unstable South Africa, till this day, some of us want the truth, others know the truth and the rest think they know the truth. We all however have managed to forget one seriously critical matter about South Africa and the truth – they do not correlate. Anyway, is the plane landing again anytime soon? It’s the season to be jolly after-all, and by the looks of the pictures, the Gupta’s can certainly throw a good party or perhaps a wedding.

>>>>Not that I’m any saint but the words; brief encounter, resemble a very sombre and apologetic face of Zwelinzima Vavi in my head – I should probably stop thinking such about my country’s elders, I was after all not raised like this. I’m not chuckling. Nonetheless, what is Vavi’s occupation at the moment?

>>>>The Mandela feud, wow that was like generations meets the days of our lives meets scandal with a pinch of isidingo and a side plate of rhythm city – a bold and ugly bowl of truth served at a conveniently wrong time. It’s so disappointing to see that the family is still on a rebellious mode, not that I didn’t expect it though.

>>>>Now to something that we’re all more than spectators of; e-Tolls, if you’ve ever heard of a series of spiralling out of control events, the subject of e-tolls is exactly that and I thought for a minute, here is something which like the 2010 world cup, will unite South Africans once more, well except for those who were for the ‘damn thing’. However, the so called damn thing is in operation and I can bet with my pay check that there is one soul who was certain that they won’t buy an e-tag, but conveniently sits an e-tag is their bag – South Africans I love y’all. Through all that unsatisfactory, trust Gedlie to make fun of an infuriating subject.

>>>>Jacob Gedlie Zuma, as we South Africans know, our president cannot only hold a note (from leth’ umshini wam’ to yinde le ndlela) but he’s also a man of humour. “This is not some national road in Malawi” whatever the meaning of that, I’m sure you never intended for it to become the dark humour that it became. Thank you my black president for all the confusion, next time, please chose something close to home, like; this is not some national road in Nkandla. Now that’s a good one.

>>>>Which brings me to the Nkandlagate, now this is one tale that is fairly intriguing yet still maintaining a high bulk of confusion at the same time. When it comes to the Nkandla saga, I suspect one ginormous untold story that shall remain untold until that which happens to untold stories happens – people who are meant to tell them die just when the thought of writing a blog post comes into their mind, so I think.

>>>>Still on the subject of Gedlie, our beloved president, is he finally going to resign? This must be some kind of déjà vu for many parliament officials. I hope somebody writes something a hundred times more compelling than the ‘30 days in September’ by Frank Chikane. That would be one award winning piece of written material; the Americans could do a movie on it too.

>>>>Speaking of movies, how well did the ‘Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom’ do in South African cinemas, considering the rate of piracy and the fact that we South African don’t go to the movies as often as we should? Can we discuss the storyline execution?

>>>>Mandela’s passing. Mandela, I’m sure even the earth stood still for a moment when it heard the news, that was the case with most of us as denial and doubt clouded our reality. May his soul rest in peace and I hope he found that ANC branch in heaven and joined it.

Oh by the way, what was the case with Desmond Tutu, the ruling party and the funeral?

>>>> How can I not mention the story of Anene Booysen. This has got to be the most gruesome story of our time; the reality which we live in. May her soul find peace and rest in heavenly harmony

On a more lighter but critical condition, it’s the party season, the silliest of seasons, ladies hold on to your man, allow not the alcohol to take your position. Otherwise, let us be carefree and careful whilst we secretly prepare for the rallies and canvassing campaigns in 2014. For the purposes of those campaigns, be ready with your dancing shoes, vuvuzela’s and some vocal chords for booing.