Have you ever wanted to die? I don’t mean the occasional figurative expression when you’re trying to exaggerate how embarrassed you were when your crush saw you looking like a “no” while s/he looked like a “hell fucken yeah”. I’m talking about drowning so deeply in misery that you don’t even see the need to cross paths with tomorrow. When you’re so defeated that you long for the day the darkness decides to finally drown you and strategically take your life away from you. When you try to keep a straight head and keep everything together but the darkness that is your life, your future, your dreams, your EVERYTHING is too much for you to contain and death becomes the ultimate need. If you’ve never needed to die; I am not sure whether you’re lucky or blessed.
There was a time where I NEEDED to just numb everything. Yeah just die. Death sounded like a better option. If not death then let the darkness swallow me. Take me far far away; where no one spoke my language or knew me so that I can maybe see the solitude in a different spectrum. A chance to at least try and decode the very life I seemed to clearly live wrong. Everyone’s life seemed to workout BUT mine. At least Facebook, Instagram and all these other social media things where imperfections don’t exist told me each and everyone of you were living your best life. And here I was; I couldn’t take care of myself financially and now mentally. I am mentally confused, unsure and don’t know when this journey will last but it seems like something beyond forever. I’ve hit an emotional wall. I am broke and heading speedily to broken. The world is spinning in a slow motion everyone is going about their life and there is no superhero coming to rescue me. Its just me in this dizzy commotion. I wanted to ask for help but at the same time, I didn’t need help. I needed something more. Something I could not explain. Something more meaningful. More peaceful. I needed, I don’t know, perhaps harmony and obviously I wanted things to be alright and stop crumbling down all in one go and embarrassing the hell out of me. But all misfortunes happened there, then and never stopped; a series of disappointments.
The worst part was how my soul shredded into irreconcilable pieces every time a negative remark about me was made. Perhaps it was the lack of emotional intelligence or I was after all a human being and I too had feelings. Or was I just giving people way too much credit on my life? I don’t know. I remember this one time when I was called a failure because I was apparently not trying hard enough. Being called a failure by one of your very own made me cried a few times. I cried because the mere thought of them thinking I wasn’t trying hard enough while I was doing EVERY single damn thing I could shrunk me back into the pit of darkness. I had drained all sorts and sources of energy I had to try and align what was in my dreams with my reality. As you can tell, it hadn’t worked out. And I was also now more than ever convinced that it’ll never workout. Not in this lifetime at least. I had wanted to be badassery. Run. Break glass ceilings, feel the pain and actually not give a damn but continue striving. Be Great! So great that the reflection in the mirror smiled wide and told me each time we crossed paths how great I am. I wasn’t running. I didn’t break any glass ceilings but I was sure as hell feeling the pain. The odds were just against me. So against me I had to die. There was nothing left to see or want.
Oddly enough, the odds are still against me. I’ve concluded that the odds don’t like certain people much and I form part of that ‘certain people’; I’m learning to come to terms with it without a single strand of bitterness. Since I have unfortunately not died, I still haven’t stopped running and gunning for better, more calculated, structured dreams than those that almost killed me. Sometimes I feel like I am still chasing time; and those of us who’ve tried know what a futile race it can be. Sometimes I just want to breakaway from this thing I’m living and go live the financially, mentally and problems free life I wish I was meant for. I have good days. Great days. Bad days and of course depression days. They are the worst days.
I’m alive for one basic reasoning; it turns out blinking is much easier than killing yourself. Lets be honest here, it takes a certain amount of courage to take away your own life. It can’t be a walk in the park (walks in the park can be deadly nowadays but catch my drift for a minute).It requires a lot. A breaking point I clearly haven’t experienced yet (in hopes to never). A breaking point which I’ve summed up as the longest alley of darkness intertwined with loneliness that any living human being can take so it takes you instead. Squashes you up into tiny pieces of nothingness that you only see yourself as a problem that’s not important enough to form part of the equation. So you save everyone else the maths of figuring you out because you actually can’t figure your own self out and you exit the mess. It is A WHOLE DAMN LOT this life thing and I to am actually exhausted but I have chosen to suck it up for as long as I can. And its going to be a very long time!