Its always a shock, talk of the town gossip when that ‘cute’, petite, bald little innocent, lovable girl is caught up in a rumour or a misunderstanding. So it came as a surprise gone wrong when out of what I thought was an innocent group interaction with colleagues I became a victim of a rumour that became the truth to another’s head.
A part of me was torn and crushed into a million pieces. I’m a woman, I’ve been made to believe I’m inadequate before and for the mere fact that another woman felt this way and the person in question was me made my colourful small world very dark and ugly. I couldn’t believe that the little girl who was a mockery because of her dark skin, the girl who was always imitated for the laughing pleasure of everyone else grew up to find people she knows nothing about ‘old and stupid’. It felt like I was in a twisted, devil orchestrated version of my biography.
When my senior brought these news unto my attention I was appalled, tears secretly wanted to escape my eyes, my heart was beating slightly weird and I wasn’t sure whether I was angry or disappointed because I knew nothing of these allegations.
As I walked out of what is meant to look like a boardroom my fierceness was having none of this crap and wanted to have it sorted out there and then because even though I’m almost a thousand percent certain that I don’t suffer from memory loss, I don’t for the life in me recall saying anyone is old and stupid. Never mind that stupid is a word that’s not in my vocabulary because I have only known to me difficulty in pronouncing it.
The other very chilled half of me wanted to let sleeping dogs lie because even if I did say she’s old and stupid, why would my opinion of her matter?
Anyway I wanted to be a grown up about this and ask her about it. Wrong move, only then I didn’t know about it. As I was taking a seat on the table she was sitting on, she stood up and left before I could even say a single word. And I automatically became convoluted. I felt both like a bully and a school teacher dealing with a teenager in her prime of adolescent. Except I was faced with a very older woman than me, married with family etc.
I was left there thinking, maybe I should have called her stupid because even though I didn’t know it then, I assume that’s how stupid people would act in such a really silly incident.
If she wanted to clarify things with me, she would have came to me and told me what I allegedly said and how it made her feel. Yes people deal with things differently but I honestly thought mature people with families handle such matters with intelligence and delicacy. Now I’m kinda not sure what her intention is because we will be working in the same team every single day of her life or until I resign and give her the freedom I feel she’s needing right now.
I know that even though I’m being accused of something I never said, she’s validated it in her head and carries it with her since she’s made in clear that talking to me would be a loss of something valuable to her. Now all I’m left with here is questions over questions and a slight sadness or is it disappointment? When do people realise that other people’s opinion about them is not a new version of their own truth about themselves?
Until I find a way out of this situation and answers to my unanswered questions I will be faced with an inch of discomfiture everytime I have to pump into her and her clique.