Agony of Choice – A Story of Men and Women

I put other people before me, and it hurts. I worry about people who don’t even think of me, and its tear dropping. I give without expecting to be acknowledged, and it’s not fulfilling. People are important to me, but I’m nothing to them. They walk over me the same way they do on tarred road – carefree and with pride. I consider people’s feelings, but they never do the same for me. I’m not playing victim, I’m just being honest with you. When does selfishness draw the line? Don’t people ever get enough of agonising other individuals? It’s not that I can’t say “NO!”, I just want a degree of fairness amongst the human race.

She was a victim of social networks, so it seemed. Emptiness intimidated her territory. With its enormous and immortal gait; it loitered in her space with no intentions of departing. She was lonely, even though people constantly surrounded her. She had a longing, a yearning to fulfill the void she relentlessly battled with. She was in need of things people close to her never understood, they called her strange. All she wanted was to touch, embrace and feel someone. She needed someone that will be sensual but real, someone friendly but emotional. She vitally looked-for the kind of love which surpasses money and materials. She searched, and maybe that was a wrong move too for she never found. The Love she needed was the kind we all require.

As you know things of this wondrous 21st century begin with a human being in contact with a cell-phone, so as Naledi. She had her first slim, slick, silver device during the last few days of her sweet sixteen age. It was not only her face that blossomed with a smile but her arteries were releasing joy too. It was a happy moment. Her cell-phone did the rounds to all her friends, with each of them touching and pressing just to see the greatness of its performance. They took endless photos, mind you wallpapers and screen savers were the in thing then. This was a sign of appreciation with bits of envy as a catalyst. In spite of that, they were all glad – she was now available “online”.

Naledi now had a cell-phone, the device needed to do what it was purposely made for – receive and release calls. The distribution of the cell-phone number process began. That was not as fun as the instant chatting which being “online” provided. That is where you found her most of the time, regarding the fact that she was now losing interest in school and its homework. She was online – the world of possibilities. Strangers were asking for “asrl” then her “id” and her cellphone became her best friend. Chat rooms granted her the meeting with the attention she craved for. Her cellphone was soon the victim of the vicious battery flat, battery charged, battery full, battery on charger again cycle. It was not long, her senses were rendered numb. That is another problem with these technological devices – food burns while the chef giggles endlessly into his/her device.

Technology advances, so does the chatting platforms. Naledi cultivated rapidly, she was ahead – the social network world might as well have been tailored for her intelligence quotient. Photos were not the only material she exchanged. Videos were her favourite as she overly indulged on them under her blankets with earphones deep inside her ears. Naledi – the star, engaged, she mastered the game along with its “lets shorten every word” language. Her pleasures jumped to cloud two, a slightly higher step for her age. The exchange of XXX files arouses lust and “no strings attached” was her newly found statement. She desired, she craved, she wanted – to feel, touch and connect with someone who would apprehend her emptiness. She hankered for effects, emotions, depth – she longed to be moved.

Social networks are brilliant, they sweep off boredom, induce insomnia and attach smiles on people’s face. They have the power to ignite you with money and dreams. The capability of befriending you with complete strangers. This superpower possesses might over restrictions, people cross countries and boundaries – they expand, express and fulfill their needs and more often than not everything that shouldn’t happen, happens. Naledi knew and practiced this supremacy at its utmost peak, she was omnipotence. If credits and mastering a subject were anything to go by, she was a doctor of this philosophy. Men were in abundance and she had more in mind than to get away with just a boyfriend. She was discreet, the number one qualification of this engagement. She was a freak on her phone and a lady in reality. Was her desire met? Had she found what she looked for? Of course not! The desire she wanted was meant to be tangible, it was suppose to live and be mutually shared. Hers did not. Men came, ejaculated and went, leaving the emptiness with double the intensity. The emptiness grew to hate, hate into anger and soon she had gone for the World Wide Web. Still searching, desiring but men still came and went, some came back for more but never stayed.

She had her whole life ahead of her, this occupation had the power to tarnish and destroy some of her dreams. Consciousness grew out of laziness, it began to work in her favour. It was time to face the monster she had grown, fed and nourished. Realisation came – this could not be her identity no more. Her future cannot be traced back to this being of deplorable encounters. She longed to turn back time but it moved forward as always. What was the next step? What can she do? Who can she disclose to without the fear of being judged? No one! The answer bluntly stared into her oval, clear, glowing pretty face which she wished to change. The warm, friendly, loving smile of assurance had grown to shield the spirals of anger in her. It was sad, it was true, it was part of who she was – a statistic of untold stories. Her desire was to speak, to find somebody who would assure her that it was not her fault. Somebody who would cleanse the pain; remove the memories out of her mind completely. She longed more for somebody who would wash away the anger she felt for the brother who took her happiness away. How can an occurrence in her childhood possess so much might over her maturity and future?

She was not a quiet child by choice, memories of woe frolicked in her head – flooding remembrances of a happy childhood she never had. The day she lost her happiness was an overlong movie; it reran, repeated and replayed. A representation of agony, a motion picture yielding anger, pain and tears. It brought fourth past days. The brother didn’t know, he will never know that it was not her virginity he went with but he deprived her the entirety of her life. She lives this day with repugnance and fear of any brother of her nation. The ruthless, life depriving individuals. If her childhood agony could like history repeats itself, she would indeed be rendered a murderer of both that brother and herself. The agony she feels is not of choice, it was brought to her by a man who saw pleasure in her purity. The emptiness and hate fuel turmoil with relentless thoughts of wretchedness.

I’m not playing victim. I am a case of obliteration. Its just another story on side effects of rape. A story of a woman on the struggle to survive. A story of a woman in agony. This is what I did not choose. I was not meant to endure such a secret. This agony is not my choice. People choose what they want to be, I did not get a taste of that luxury for what choice can a 5year old make about a molester? This is a story of many women, a story they carry everyday, a story shielded with a smile. A story told to pillows through tears. A story that is replayed everyday, a story with great might. A story which is a burden. She is not strong, she has learned to endure the pain. The world we live in is full of pain. People walk with giants of anger. Smiling is not always joy, laughing is sometimes the way to halt tears from falling, it is a way to surpass the agony. And you tell me to always choose happiness. That is exactly what I do – smile, and you fail to see the fractured soul that carries me. I endure the agony of choice because no one cares to know my scar.

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