I want to learn to be adequate with what I have and accept what the universe chooses not to give me. I want to look in the mirror and be content with what I see. I am not all round selfish but the feeling is manifested deep within me, like any other human being.
Life is a challenge that seems to take you upon when you least expect it. It is a battle that takes you to war when you’re least armed for it. This is life as I have witnessed it. It only lives to see how thick your skin really is. The thicker your skin, the better opponent you are for life, so better prepare for the battles which you will engage in when you’re least aware.
I feel void, that’s the thing about me at this stage. My dreams, hopes and goals seem distant and farfetched. When I have to put a smile on my face, my eyes fill with tears instead. I have tried as many endeavours (been a victim of many scams as well) as I can to help matters but it keeps on getting worse.
I do not have insomnia; I do enjoy a goodnight rest. However, restlessness has been a guest in my emptiness; I cannot go a day without worrying about the situation that I circumstantially drown in. If I knew what to do, I would have done it. Suicide does the rounds in my head every time I have a conversation with myself.
I discourage low self-esteem and not believing in one’s self. I want to see people feel and touch prosperity, whether I know them or not. I want to see joy and laughter deeply manifested in the lives of people. Even though life diminishes within me each day, some people look at me in envy because they have not a clue the battle rousing in me.
Got a call, “your interview was successful” I should be glad, you would think. I’m in tears; my heart’s feeling like it just sank in a pool of cooking oil which brings it more clogging. I do not want this job; it is not what I want. Why did I go? I have a cum laude degree accompanied by a dean’s list award lying on my cupboard. I’m a statistic of unemployment. I have no income whatsoever. The only thing I endure is the pins of financial meltdown that distresses my head and starves my bank account.
So I took to an interview for a job I am not glad off, a job I knew I would hate doing from the minute I sat for the interview which I had involuntarily arrive 45min late for. I do not want to be a call centre agent; it dawned on me as I waited to be interviewed. It is not a bad occupation at all. It is something that I know I DO NOT want or intend to do. I also do not have an income so I do not have a choice. At this stage I only have one requisite; a smile had better instil itself within me about this job so that I can have it beaming on my lips to fake to the world the happiness I know I don’t have.
This is life happening to me, serving a plate I did not order. This not only makes me angry but it induces tears stored within. You know why tears fall when life starts to happen? Because all your hopes and dreams are washed away before your sight and the only thing that’s left within you are your tears. They are in abundance and uncontrollable. That is the pureness of life.
We somehow have a magnitude of “continue living”, life brings out all its best lashes but we never back down. We human beings, we always hope things will be better even through our deepest darkest miseries. I cannot deny; life is a gangster of complication that lives to only serve you misfortunes, shortcomings and maybe sometimes a bit of joy.