Don’t Do It For The Kids!

According to my understanding; intimate relationships encompass of feelings equally shared by two people and I mean ONLY two people. This should be remembered at all times especially when the relationship goes sour. If the relationship has not gone as according to your desired will, do yourself a favour; face the facts at hand and break free from the straining, joy ripping process of trying to save a bowl which has already fallen off your hands. Whether you see the kids or reputation as a reason to stay, it will not change matters. Your scarred smile is already evident of the wounds of excruciating tear dropping pain which your heart is inflicted with. If you remain in a relationship that is toxic in any way, you are not only poisoning yourself but the toxins wrath splashes onto the people close to you, it is more distaining when those people are your kids. This is particularly for the parents, this sympathetic pity process you engage in and claim to be staying in a venomous relationship for the sake of the kids is nothing but a pathetic excuse of YOUR inability to stand on your own and face your misfortunes.

If you decide to stay for the kids, I deem you the most heartless individual who has no compassion for his/her kids. Otherwise, you would be aware of the misery which you inflict on the kids internal being. The kids are mostly affected by your relationship. If you take it upon you to read your kids, you would be aware of the cracks that your relationship is slowly opening on their internal beings. You usually consider them as a third party; however they are not just any third party. They are the result of your relationship, and if anything happens to it, the density of that occurrence is mostly felt by them as they see themselves as catalysts if not the cause of the toxin in your relationship. It is undeniable that if you are not happy, you are also unable to transfer happiness. Feelings are about giving what is deep within you. It is therefore impossible to give off happiness when all you are experiencing is nothing but agony.  

Kids are always spectators of what is going on in the house, whether you discuss it with them or choose to be silent about it. Like a transparent door, they see right through you. Sometimes the kids feel the need to take sides but their lack of directly exhuming the problems core strains and deprives them the ability to purely dissect the situation and construct valid and valuable findings. In some cases, valid specifics are there but the kids sense that it is not their position to speak of their parents matter. The circumstance forces them to carry the burden of death in their hearts for the protection of their parents’ right of adulthood.  It is always the parents fault, as their relationship is a constant game of; reality versus fantasy, hide and seek, break up to make up and rosy thorns every other day. This makes it difficult for the spectator to actually apprehend the kind of agonising, fake affection shadowed with the colossal strength of will to bring these people together only to set them apart.

I think this lady had a failed relationship from day one. The amazing entity constituting us women but yet astoundingly ignored; is the ability to know from day one if the relationship is going to work out or not. Women possess many characteristics which enable them to hold on even when the light at the end of the tunnel looks turned off to many. One of these characteristics is the capability of seeing hope where none has the ability of imbedding. This characteristic however keeps us in the darkest pits for longer than men. The same quality makes us predisposed to pain as we believe that it will soon be better. The big question though is; does prolonged durability prevail when affection is no longer reciprocal? Two people are brought together through the bonds that have implanted themselves between them. When these bonds have deteriorated, do people still remain fully in-tacked?

From time to time her mind would swallow her; she would sit stock still like an un-struck pole, staring into thin air, moving her lips without a sound. Sometimes her lips would only tremble, whether this was anger or pain I could never tell. This is how it looked like when she was being carried by the thought of moments that were never shared. Bitterness and anger built a waterfall inside her and once in a while, the eruption of the waterfall would create tantrums of verbal rage even for the minor of things. She loved her husband, dearly. I was there, witnessing her caring for him, lending him her ear and more whenever he needed it, but he never did the same. She gave herself wholeheartedly, even when he was behind prison bars, for the stupid things like a traffic ticket that his income made it difficult for him to afford, she was there for him. Running around, knocking on every door to find a solution to get him out. At the end of the day, she was angry, she was sad, most of all she blamed herself for after sacrificing herself, she did not receive love from the man she willingly gave her whole heart to. She wished that the man she loved could love her back, but he did not, maybe he did not even care. Truth is, the man she loved was swallowed by the works of the city and its misleading women which are there to gobble a man’s integrity rip him off his identity and shred his fragile heart.

Rose only learnt of her father after a decade of being alive. She only understood her family as the extended family she lived with from her mother’s side.  Her father was that somebody she never knew, seen, talked with, only heard off. Her mother, Given, was going up and down, wiping the tears and sweat away if need be. This was the big city and she needed to find her nest of gold. Finally, Given managed to find an extremely small piece of gold that was meant for her and she bought a house where she settled in with her two daughters, Rose being one of them. Here, the relationships true colours represented themselves to Rose as bare as they were. Rose realised that her mother had put up for a relationship that died before it could blossom to anything fundamental for the future. Her father lived in a different province and came back home due to death of a family member. She would sit and observe the pins of loneliness throbbing through her mother’s face which got paler each day. However, Given always attached a smile on her face whenever she could and it was accompanied by the sweet words her tongue enjoyed uttering. Talking and joking was part of her wholesomeness. The truth remained unmasked down in her. The loneliness she felt was agonising and ripped off her joy every time it had the chance to do so.  Rose and her sister were of course the spectators of this massacre they struggled to accept. 

Sometimes their mother would share with them her agony but it was not helping. The truth was staring all three of them in the face; LEAVE! You know how women are when it comes to the subject of men. They hold on to them like the way Christians were meant to hold on to the word, firmly. The countless, infuriating like a mosquito buzzing in your ear kind of excuses kept coming down Rose’s ears. They were all however useless regarding the thrash of clogging it brought to all their hearts. The problem about being a child caught in the middle of a toxic relationship is that you encounter and suffer silently. The anger erupts, boils and explodes in front of you and you cannot budge in because this toxic situation is due because of things you fail to understand. As a result, you end up hating the party which you feel is not pulling their weight accordingly and reciprocally. You grow up with tons of indescribable anger, questions, conversations which you end up storing inside of you, silently.

One thing that kept daunting Rose was the lack to pack the bags and LEAVE which was encompassed in Given’s powerful yet seemingly fragile strength.  Rose did not want this for her life and she knew it, solidly. However, life is life, sometimes it passes by with intense whirlwind that you are left with nothing but sad moments in your mind. This was the case with Rose, her dream faded with every relationship she got involved in. They didn’t last, they were strange, some of them would end before they could begin and others…. well others did what relationships do to some girls; leave you in disbelief and nursing acute pain. She was also afraid, she was 25, single and these two by two relationships were not working in her favour. Was this a generational curse? She sometimes wondered!

 Her mother’s situation affected her directly and indirectly. Her future was at risk if this condition was soon not fostered accordingly. Rose needed intervention; she craved the desire to comprehend the life women and men co-habit. Her mind had a lot of unasked and thus unanswered questions. Books, music and television are sometimes not enough when you are in dire need to escape the reality of your life. She needed love the kind of love that makes it all complete. The kind of love desired in every human being’s life but not given by any heart of a living human being. Most of all she needed healing. A doctor that would understand the kind of internal sores she overwhelmingly battled with. None could save her if none came at this point. The damage was building up; firm, strong and fast.

Her mother wanted breakthrough. She wanted what’s best for her kids, took them to the best schools and universities for the privileged. It was not enough. Without love, nothing is ever enough.  This is a plea that goes out to you and your toxic relationship; get out while you can. The damage you create to your kids is ineffable; it’s the kind in which you lack adjectives for. Never stay for the kids. This makes the kids think they are the real reason behind your pain.




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